For Halloween

What not to do in a Monster Movie

Here is the list of things not to do if you find yourself in a monster movie.

Don't shoot at the monster. This has never been shown to kill a monster, but just makes them mad.

If you do decide to shoot at a monster, never attempt to reload when you run out of bullets. You will fumble, drop the bullets and end up as monster kibble.

When you run out of bullets and drop your extras, do not start hitting the monster with the butt of the gun. It makes them very testy.

Never have sex in a monster movie. The monster views this as a "two-fer."

Don't go to Japan.

Never try to escape a monster by driving away. As you are attempting to unlock the car door you will fumble with the key or break the key off in the door lock. Monsters know this and will eat you before you open the door.

Always have a fresh battery in your car if you expect to be in a monster movie. Monsters know even if you manage to get the door open the car battery will be dead.

Don't scream… that's like ringing the dinner bell for a monster.

Stay off all modes of public transportation. Monsters view a bus as a big steam table without a sneeze-guard.

Don't go swimming. Monsters love to eat wet people. It's like being pre-basted.

Don't use nuclear weapons on a monster, they like it.

Never except a job as a caretaker of anything.

Don't attempt to hide in a closet, that's where many monsters choose to live.

Never change altitude in your attempt to evade a monster. Going down to the basement or upstairs will usually result in you becoming monster kibble.

Don't bury a monster you believe to be dead. They will always reach their arm through the dirt to grab your ankle and pull you down then ring the dinner bell.

Never wear high-heeled shoes as you run through the woods. This will lead to you twisting your ankle, falling in pain and being the main course at the monster Thanksgiving dinner.

Never take a shower. Monsters like their food washed.