The Incredible Shrinking Man Part Two

The Incredible Shrinking Man Part Two

By Glen Gardner

As we age we expand in many different ways. It’s said we become wiser, we expand our horizons and we hopefully grow as human beings. Unfortunately, in my case I had also substantially expanded my waistline as the years have passed. I have always meant to do something about it, but in the blur of everyday life it always seemed to take a backseat to the crisis of the moment. I could always take care of “that” when I’m ready. The only problem was I never felt quite ready.

Weight for me is a lot like birthdays. They both seem to stack up like cord wood and then you look in the mirror one day and say “who is that old fat guy?” If I didn’t know better, the answer to that question may have been “my grandfather.” I guess the apple never rolls far from the tree and of course the real answer was “me.”

During a trip to the doctor about three years ago I got the usual boomer warnings. “If you don’t start shedding some girth you are heading to diabetes, heart disease and high blood pressure.” He also warned me about a bevy of other ailments that I can’t spell if I failed to change my sloth-like ways. He also said “at 51 you are running out of time.” That was a real shocker. We are the generation that will live for ever, fat or not!

Of course the doc looked to me to be about 13-years-old. That little sarcastic boomer voice in my head quickly said to the doc “hey Spanky, why don’t you go get me a donut while I think about it.” What came out of my mouth was “what kind of a diet do you suggest?” Thoughts of Atkins, South Beach, pills, Weight Watchers, Nutri-Systems and suits made out of rubber that sweat the pounds off danced through my imagination.

At that point Spanky, I mean the doctor, turns to me and lets loose with something truly shocking. “Have you ever considered eating less and exercising more?” That little sarcastic boomer voice in my head quickly shot back, “Well of course I’ve considered it, but that sounds pretty freaking boring. Can’t you just write me a prescription Spanky?” What came out of my mouth was, “I’ll give it a try.” That was the start of my metamorphosis.

It’s not very sexy, but it was the best diet advise I ever got, even if it did come from Doogie Houser. The physics are very simple. Burn more calories than you consume and you will lose weight. I cut my caloric consumption to 1500 a day. I joined a health club and committed to visit there at least four times a week to burn a minimum of 2500 calories. A funny thing started to happen. For the first time in years I was subtracting from the wood pile and not adding to it.

I had some very bad habits I had to break in the process. Being a pretty busy person, one of my favorite tricks was eating over the sink. Over the years I have perfected the art. No plate is needed, no silverware required and whatever misses your mouth simply goes down the drain. Cleanup is a snap, but over-the-sink food tends not to be the most nutritional or low-calorie offerings. In a Ralph Cramden moment I was even thinking about writing a cookbook of things that one could eat over the sink. In an Alice Cramden moment my wife talked me out of that million-dollar idea.

One of the things that really helped me was a web site called Sparkpeople.com (www.sparkpeople.com). This free site helps you track what you’re eating and how much exercise you are doing. I have never been very good about really knowing what I toss into my pie-hole on a daily basis. This site made it very easy to track and plan what I eat. I was surprised at how much food you can eat at 1500 calories a day. I was also surprised at how many calories you can burn in the course of a week with just moderate exercise.

“Back in the day” I was a pretty good cyclist, but gave it up in a serious way when my boomer-belly made it impossible. As I shed pounds and toned at the health club over the winter I started training indoors on a stationary bike. When spring rolled around a couple of years ago I dusted off

You're Fired!

Listening to conservative talk radio today was a real treat. Hearing them carp about President Obama giving GM CEO Rick Wagoner his walking papers was rich. They were talking about that "slippery slope" we hear so much about. Should the government become that involved in the affairs of a company?

By the way, these are the same people that are all for the government telling a welfare mother she must work and raise her kids at the same time to get a paltry check and food stamps. These conservatives are outraged when Wagoner is sent packing by Uncle Sam with $23-Million in exit goodies. No outrage when the government tells the "welfare queen" she must get a job to get some government cheese. Now I may not be as smart as some of these folks, but it seems like the same issue to me.

A couple of things to remember about GM and Wagoner. They invited Obama and the government to the party. As many a dad has said through the history of handouts; "As long as you live under my roof and take my money, you will live under my rules." You know the Golden Rule. Them that got the money rule. In this case it's the government.

Just like those who require personal welfare, GM has surrendered some rights in its excepting billions in government handouts. For anyone to be complaining about that now I find hard to believe. Wagoner has presided over the largest slide in GM's value in history. Last I checked the company stock sat near two bucks a share.

I think Obama probably did Wagoner a huge favor. I'm surprised the shareholders weren't massing outside that spiffy building in Detroit with torches and pitchforks. What's better, getting sacked with a $23-Million dollar parachute or facing a barrel of tar and a bag of feathers?

I have often heard these narrow-minded Rush clones spout their venom about getting tough on welfare recipients who abuse the system. They say that a clear message must be sent. That examples must be set. That lessons must be learned.

In this case I guess I agree with them. I believe that President Obama has decided to get tough on a welfare recipient. A clear message has been sent. An example has been set. We'll find out soon if a lesson has been learned.